can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
did you just send me my own nude
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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