i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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