When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
