I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize