Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
