Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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