Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
3 2 1 whiskey
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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