take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
