i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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