This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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