checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
