Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
