Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize