so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
