I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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