He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
