Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
