It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
