The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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