I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
