I accidentally burped into my bong.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
