Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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