Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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