Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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