Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
