Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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