Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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