she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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