I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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