I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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