There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
