Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
