I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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