the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
