I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
