I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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