i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
