Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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