I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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