Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
operation harelip BJ is a go
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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