I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
