Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
