I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
