Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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