if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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