Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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