its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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