dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Randomize
