Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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