I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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