I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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