She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
