Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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