Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
