Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
