Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
